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This Guy Reviews: Nightmare On Elm Street


Well hello there…. So as I said in my Friday the 13th review being a kid in the 80’s was great for horror movies. The 80’s gave us the most iconic horror movie creatures to date and apparently they are having such a hard time finding other things that scare us so much that they need to re-make the classics. Don’t get me wrong there have been some good remakes such as Texas chainsaw massacre and even Friday the 13th was pretty good. Freddy Krueger was my fave of all the horrors of the 80’s so I had high hopes for this movie well slap me with a FAILface and call me Nancy (heh, get it¿) The ONLY thing they got right in this film is the address …(1428 btw) Yes I understand that they tried to get away from the humours versions of Krueger and make him more realistic and “terrifying” but the only thing that terrified me was that I PAID to see it. You know you just watched a bad movie when on the drive home from the theatre you are talking about a whole different movie in our case it was the Goosetastic and Maverickolicous Top Gun!

Yea a movie that was made 24 yeas ago come to think of  it….. it made me feel better for the slaughter of a horror movie icon… hmmmm well in that case…

This Guy reviews: Top Gun

Lets kick the tires and light the fires jump into our F14’s and shoot us some MIG!

So this movie follows the flyboy team of  Maverick and Goose. These 2 pilots are of course the best of the best but are out of control and unorthodox in their methods as well has have a horrible volley ball addiction that almost costs them their LIVES (that’s fake). The movie starts with the team rescuing a fellow pilot when he looses his focus and almost crashes his fighter jet. Well lookie that the pilot that bugged out was going to go to Top Gun, a school for the most elite of the US pilots. So Mav and Goose get sent there by default. This movie was great because it was not a remake of Nightmare on Elm Street  … DAMMIT IT’S NOT WORKING THIS TIME!....can’t…stop… thinking about crappy…movie… eff it back to the Elm Street review….

 

This Guy Reviews: Top Gun On Elm Street.

Since the Nightmare on Elm street sucked so bad I am going to make a review of a movie going on in mah head riiiight now…cause I mean… Goodness gracious Elm street suuuucked!... (hehehe that was my attempt at singing in text.. ugh.) So what do you do when you can’t beat Freddy on Elm Street? TAKE TO THE SKY THAT’S WHAT YOU DO! You see in top gun Goose died… but in my movie that didn’t happen or maybe it did and Maverick talked to Calypso from pirates of the Caribbean and brought him back…. BARBOSA STYLE! Yea that’s for sure what happened. So after the long journey to save Goose from the clutches of Davie Jones the stellar duo are deployed to an aircraft carrier just off the shore of  Springwood Ohio to take back Elm street from the vile claws of Freddy Krueger and to save the children once and for all! *CUE Top gun theme song!* The team proceeds to attack Elm street without remorse and when slight narcoleptic episode requires Maverick to wake Goose or watch Freddy claim another victim he resorts to the only thing he can… Maverick remembered that old fairy sleeping beauty… that one dood kissed that lady and she woke up…. But quickly dismissed the idea and dumped a BIG bucket of water on him (pervs.)… yup that did it. Goose then realized he could pull things outta his dreams and shortly after that returned to sleep to pull Krueger out also… he was successful in bringing Freddy out into the real world where they pummelled the blade wielding monster until he was defeated… then danced while riding camel/goat hybrids into the sunset…. Fin. *CUE  take my breath away*

 

Alright but for real here folks the movie wasn’t that bad but if you are looking for a newer more scary Freddy you could probably find more fear in watching the ghost episode of the backyadrigans…they did a pretty good job at remastering the scenes that we remember the wall scene,  the bathtub scene but the issue with that is we have seen these before. The whole movie they attempted to grab and bring me into this world of Freddy but on all accounts failed. I could care less about the characters even though there were attempts for you to feel sorry for them and what they have been through and what they are currently going through. There was one part of this movie that stuck out … when they find the pictures of Nancy in the “secret cave” they don’t even show them to convey the horror that was inflicted on her as a child… FAIL. I am putting out an A.P.F (ALL POINTS FAIL) on this movie as in my mind that’s exactly what it did. I know there must have been a large number of obstacles to over come when rebooting a series but it fell short. See this movie if you want to be disappointed so with that being said…

1…2…Freddy’s stealing form you….3…4 best to ignore…5…6..best return your tickets 7…8…it’s not that great…9…10 never try AGAIN! (holy crap, what a crafty little cow I am)

 

Go rent this movie and agree with everything I just said (specially the part about MY movie) or just let it fall by the wayside your not missing much…


Ok for real I have said in the past that movies have left a bad taste in my mouth but this is not the case…This movie was so bland it left no taste… no taste at all… It may have something to do with this “cursed” Aztec gold I found but I think not. *so… so Shiiiny*

Wes Craven Created a monster and YOU GUYS KILLED Him. I can’t say for sure if SHE has lost that loving feeling… but I have for Freddy… and it’s gone..gone gone ohhh oh oh…. time to toss out my green and red shirt. /sadness.

Disclaimer: Eye Crave Network takes no responsibility for the quality, content or opinions contained within this article. The opinions and misguided notions contained are those of the author and do not represent anyone but "THIS GUY"...



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