Cats – 31 Nights of Halloween review

The following review is from my personal belief of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s thoughts on the adaptation of his version of CATS.

Hello it is me, the Phantom of the Opera Andrew Lloyd Webber. While I am not as offensive to film makers as some other creative minds I know, looking at you maestro of horror Stephen King, I must break my silence on Tom Hooper’s adaptation of my beloved feline companion, CATS. Was Tom Hooper having a laugh at me? What did he do to my beloved CATS, Taylor Swift, nothing against Taylor but please no, what was he thinking when he had screen legends Judi Dench and Ian McKellen. My musical acid trip was about the choreography and the music, and the movie seemed to forget that and made a laugh out of me. The movie forced me, Andrew Lloyd Webber – the creator of CATS, to get a therapy dog!

My show was about a Jellicile choice, for a jelliicle cat to be chosen to have a new and exciting life. Instead Tom Hooper delivered what he thought my show was about, and the horrors that my eyes laid upon during watching this interpretation of my show is disturbing. I was horrified at what was done to one of my beloved shows, how could someone do something so terrible to my adaptations? There is nothing Jellicile about this film, Mr. Mistoffelees played by Laurie Davidson cannot even save this train wreck.

The horrors! Oh the many hororrs! People think Phantom of the Opera may be my forge into the horror genre, but the true horrors lays on the silver screen and not the silver stage. CATS the 2019 bastardization of my adapted work, is the most horrific thing I’ve ever laid my eyes on. He lost the purpose of CATS, he lost the love of CATS, he made it a mockery. CATS is a love of mine ever since I adapted the work of T.S Elliot, but I never thought it could stray from my adaption so far that it would become a horror show. People have always criticized my adaptation of the show, but to abolish what I have created and turn it into this ‘film’ is truly a sin against nature and the earth itself. It should be stricken from the record books as to ever being released to the public let alone the world. My show won seven Tony Awards including best musical, but Tom Hooper’s version of my show truly makes me want to scrub it from my memory. Side note: how do you Jennifer Hudson dirty like that?  

Jellicile cats, Jelliicle cats, the magical jelliicle cats, the singing, the dancing, the wonderful stage production is one of my favourite things about my production of CATS. Tom Hooper’s adaptation of my show takes away that beauty and has Jennyanydots played by Rebel Wilson eating cockroaches with faces as she poses incredibly uncomfortably, my god why. Transforms my beautiful Old Deuteronomy played by the incredible Judi Dench, deliver some of the cringiest lines of dialogue that has ever plagued a screen, cast Bustopher Jones as James Corden ruining the character I love. Why on earth did he make Rum Tum Tugger sexy, these characters are not meant to be sexy, they’re abandoned cats in a Guys and Dolls esque world, they’re not sexy! Speaking of sexy the chemistry between Macavity played by Idris Elba and Bombalurina playd by Taylor Swift is having THAT much tension is disturbing. What did I ever do to you Tom Hooper? Victoria played by newcomer Francesca Hayward does a wonderful job and seems to at least understand what my musical was about, that’s the only nice thing I can say about this ‘production’ and I use that word lightly.

As I confirmed to Variety earlier this week, I absolutely despised what Tom Hooper did to my masterpiece, and it forced me to get a Havanese puppy! I wrote a musical about talking, singing, dancing cats for crying out loud and I was forced to get a puppy for emotional damage! There is nothing more horrifying than not being able to accept what someone has done to something you truly love and hold near your own heart! My musical CATS is the only version of CATS you can see whether it be on stage, or the live stage recording, those are the versions of CATS that I approve of! Please do not expose yourself to the horrors that I endured with this experience with CATS.

Crave Factor – N/A

My earliest movie memory, outside of my home theatre in my basement, was going to the local Video 99 and wanting to rent ET only to be told by the shop owner it was playing down the street in theatres. My love for cinema has been alive for as long as I can honestly remember. I would frequent the cinema minutes down from my house daily. It was a second home. Movies are an escape from the everyday world, a window into the soul, a distant friend. If I’m not watching a movie, I’m probably watching a tv show, if I’m doing neither I’m asleep.

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